Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
is nasa ok
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev