Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Cashiers are always checking me out
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy