I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
these two trucks have the same bed length
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.