{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁