wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Haha good job!!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.