u spoke cat all this time??????
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Battery falling down a hole
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen