“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
What the hell is going on?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m not alone. I have ants.