All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.