Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
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If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.