CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
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[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..