A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Stop sending me this shit.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Not all heroes wear capes.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.