There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”