Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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Cashiers are always checking me out
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
OH. COME. ON.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.