Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You Might Also Like
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me buying fruit and veg
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.