I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
You Might Also Like
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Bringing home a sharpie
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Wait a minute
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”