Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Me :
All Day At Night
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.