My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.