“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE