4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
dream blunt rotation
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”