[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership