*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.