Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
doing some research
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”