Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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