wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
don’t we all
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.