11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
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My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English