I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
A small tragedy.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I have a new favorite meme page
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”