PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar