15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
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Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training