30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.