We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
You Might Also Like
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
what’s more important?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty