People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple