Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Just me and my debit card against the world
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them