You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.