I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
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Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
This January has 47 Mondays
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus