“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You Might Also Like
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
How it started: How it’s going:
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
They’re really bad with fonts.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”