God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
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When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
#parenting
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.