I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.