I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Any refunds available?…
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.