Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people