Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.