Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
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This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s