me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Happy thanksgiving
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.