*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
You Might Also Like
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.