“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
You Might Also Like
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Need WebMD
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.