Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
What the dentist sees
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.