Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.