I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
barbara was highly relatable