*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
listen closely
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.