[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.