I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
TODAY
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*